The following was printed in McSweeney's Quarterly, Issue 41 in the "Letters to the Editor" section: 


Dear McSweeney’s,

I hope this letter finds you well. I hope that because you are potentially my biological father. Recently I found a trove of carefully penned love letters tied together with a single mauve ribbon. In a terse script, these were addressed to my now deceased mother and dated the year of my conception. Each was signed T.M.

I know what you’re thinking: Tim McGraw. But that wouldn’t make any sense, since I am not a fan of country music. What am I fan of, you ask? Fine cheeses; Moby-Dick; edamame. If this isn’t enough to prove to you that I am your offspring, then I don’t know what is.

Please swab your cheek using the enclosed home-DNA-test kit, and write both your name and your identification number on the blue sticky labels. I’ll take care of the rest. I’m looking forward to getting to know you! 

Yours biologically,

Cirocco “McSweeney” Dunlap

Brooklyn, NY

P.S. Please send cash.